If you are offended by this web page, please
accept our sincere apologies.
|Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this page, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state. No purchase necessary. You need not be present to win. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Sealed for your protection -- do not use if the safety seal is broken. For external use only. If a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use. Use only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not use near a flammable or magnetic source. Avoid contact with mucous membranes. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. License, tax, title, and destination extra. Your actual mileage may vary. Always wear your safety belt. Objects on screen may be smaller than they appear. "Pfft" is subject to change without notice. Quantities of "pfft" are limited while supplies last. Interactive demo only -- not for resale. Register now! No money down. No payments for 90 days. Parental advisory - "pfft" is material some readers may find objectionable; parental guidance is advised. "Pfft's" distribution is copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute it and all its associated parts freely, but you may not make a profit from it or include the it in commercial publications without written permission from Major League baseball. Data used in this page is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles. No animals were used to test the hilarity of this joke. "Pfft" is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities. Cannot be held liable for damaged computer components due to electrical shortage. Not responsible for lost, late, or misdirected "pfft," hair growth on palms of hands, blindness, hysteria, homosexual urges, warts, or eternal damnation caused by usage of this page. If symptoms persist, consult a pfftologist. Limit one-per-family, please. An equal opportunity expeller. No shoes, no shirt, no "pfft." If defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself -- return to an authorized "pfft" service center. Smoking "pfft" may be hazardous to your health. ME 5¢ Deposit -- No deposit elsewhere. Action figures sold separately. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. You must be at least 48" tall to ride this ride. May be harmful if you have high blood pressure, back problems, a heart condition, or are pregnant. Expelling "pfft" may cause drowsiness. The best safeguard, barring abstinence, is the use of a "pfft" shooting range. "Shooting range" is ribbed for your pleasure. Slippery when wet. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. There may be some variation in color and texture due to seasonal variations in ingredients. "Pfft" contains no preservatives, artificial ingredients, artificial colors, artificial flavors, meat by-products, or MSG. Low in fat. High in fiber. High in protein. Dolphin Safe. Has not been shown to cause cancer in laboratory rats. Always consult your physician before starting any exercise program. In its final form, "pfft" is not labeled for individual sale. No substitutions allowed. Sale to or use by minors is strictly prohibited. Please practice "safe surf." If ingested, do not induce vomiting. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Warranty does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of God, as well as misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom vibrations, electro-magnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in the "pfft usage instructions," and incidents owing to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roof, broken glass, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, unwanted children, flying projectiles, or dropping the "pfft." Other restrictions may also apply. Keep this and all "pfft" out of the reach of children. For a limited time only. This humorous offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Sorry, Tennessee!|